December 2000 I decided I was going to join the army. My father and I had a chat in our kitchen. He asked if I could kill somebody if I had too, he asked if I could go to war? At the time, the world seemed a peaceful place, and I looked forward to the military being able to keep me in top physical condition as I had a history with being overweight.
I graduated advanced individual training in July 2001. I had one month of leave with hometown recruiting, so I arrived in Korea around mid August. Little did I know what would happen in 4 weeks.
Present day, I have a job, a family, a house with jacuzzi... I'm fairly happy, being treated for ptsd. How I got here, what I've seen, knowing that I didn't get near the worst outcome that was possible... It troubles me every day. Every night I dream of being back somewhere I don't want to be. Did it make me a better person... Yes absolutely. Did I lose an ability to just simply enjoy any given moment, yes absolutely.
Iraq, afghanistan, fort bragg; those places took so much from so many people I personally know. I've seen the outcome of normal people just like me having their life ended.
I'm wonder if they had the same conversation with their father? I wonder if they would have the things that I have, and I feel an enormous amount of guilt.
So many suicides, too many friends lost in horrific combat.
To my brothers and sisters that died, I constantly think about your families, I remember the moments I had with your wives or husbands. I remember your children, wondering how they have progressed in life.
I try to cherish the moments with my son, and I feel detachment at times. I try to have normal interactions, but I feel lost most of the time. I can't explain to him why I have this lack of normalcy. I want to teach him to box, I want to have him get active with sports.
Yet something in me wants him to be a super nerd, a book worm. I want to steer him towards a career that doesn't involve military.
There's so much that I reflect on every day, not just today being vets day. But today, we are supposed to reflect and remember.
Thank you to all vets and families, and with my deepest condolences.... I'm very sorry and thankful for whatever hardships you've faced.
Case in point, I will remember one instance without names of the involved.
Returning from my last deployment in afghanistan, one of my units E7s (pretty high ranking) did something that changed everybody's lives. For whatever reason, a home scuffle with his wife, led him to walk into his front yard, with his teenage kids watching, he doused himself with his lawnmower gasoline, and lit himself on fire. He didn't die right away, it took days.
There is so much more to veterans day. It's dark, it's terrible, and also it's heroic.
Love those that you need to. Talk to people, listen, be a shoulder for somebody. Don't turn away from anyone that needs help.
God bless for reading, and pray for those that need it.
